bittersweet

She told me to go and glanced around the room – unsure and nervous. I gulped and faded into the background. ‘Give her a moment’, a little voice whispered, ‘Just a moment more’.

She turned her head, left and right.  Searching for something familiar. ‘I am familiar’, my heart cried, ‘I am the most familiar’.  But she turned again, recognised a friend and smiled.  Grasping hands they skipped off to play.

Still my heart cried, ‘I am the most familiar, pick me’.

And that is hardest thing, this time, for the first time, she is not meant to pick me.  She is meant to pick adventure and independence.  She is destined to learn and grow outside of the world she has lived in for the last five years.

To describe today as bittersweet in no understatement.  I am so proud of our girl.  She was excited and ready for her first day at school. She is social and sweet, kind and curious.  She will thrive and grow, learn and laugh.

But I will miss her. I worry for her. I worry for her heart. I want to protect her.  This not just about her growing up, it’s about me letting go.   It is harder than I expected. It is, indeed, bittersweet.

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