Finally the girls are asleep and hubby decides to go to bed too. ‘Are you coming?’ he asks. ‘No’, is my too quick reply. He rolls his eyes and begins his ‘you are tired and need to sleep speech’.
I know. I know I am tired and I need to sleep.
But it is quiet and I can sit – by myself – and not have to think of anything.
It is the only time of day that I am by myself. And I need it. I need a moment everyday to stop, to breathe and to dwell. I need a tiny piece of solace.
Standing, stunned and lurching into the abyss of unbelief, under the glaring lights of an emergency room. That is the dark at its most sinister and desperate.
Swirling and assimilating with the dark.
The alchemy of life.
Both. Sorrow and joy. Good decisions and bad.
Dark and light.
Fighting for more light than dark.
That is what life is.
I love champagne.
I love 19th century Russian literature.
I love the colour green.
I love the sound of rain on our tin roof.
I love Coldplay’s Parachutes album.
I love the movie Amelie.
I love the way my sister had her hair done for her wedding.
I love my new ring.
But how I feel about Amelie or the colour green or champagne pales into nothingness in light of my little family.
There are few words.
It is state of being.
It is the deep breath in.
It is the exhaustion.
It the fear the grips my heart each night as I pull their blankets up and tuck them in and plead with God to keep them safe.
It is the delight.
It is the beauty.
Print from here.
One of my earliest memories is of my brother, sister and I stealing our grandma’s slippers and heading off around the corner of our house to the sloping nature strip, picking up the cricket stumps on the way: then proceeding to ‘ski’ down the nature strip in our slippery slippers, powered by our stump ski poles! We spent hours ‘skiing’ and giggling, marveling at our brilliant initiative.
Why is this important?
Firstly, because it is about family. My brother and sister represent everything that is good about family – loyalty, fun, love, grace and truth. They are the people I look to for support, comfort and when I need to laugh. They are the people I want my girls to grow up admiring, trusting and adoring.
Secondly, it is about doing something new; about stepping outside the box and having fun while doing it. Something which I am not good at these days. I like safe and definite, I like the box and I like the predictable.
And thirdly, it’s my earliest memory.
That is who I am (partly). I am about family, I am about trying to know who I am and what I am and do it better, and I am my memories.