Soon 4 will become 5…
13 days and counting…
It is strange to be hopelessly in love with someone I’ve never seen before.
I may not have seen her – but I know her and she knows me.
I am at her mercy gladly
She has captured me
All that I am revolves around her
My day is defined by her
My life is defined by her
Captured, in love, anticipating and hoping.
Counting down the days till I can hold her
(‘her’ is used in a non gender specific way, not as a sneaky way to reveal that we know we are having a girl!)
I am 35 weeks pregnant today. I only know that because I have put a reminder on my phone that alerts me to what week I am. Apparently this is quite normal with your third – you are just to busy and tired to remember things like when your baby is due!! Oh dear!
So a little update is in order – of the pelvic instability kind (please don’t stop reading!).
This condition sucks!
I knew it would get worse as baby got bigger, but I was not prepared for this. Although in saying that I know that there is a high likelihood that this thing has an end date. One of the causes of the condition is a particular hormone that is released while you are pregnant and that hormone only stays in the system for 3 months maximum after baby arrives. So I know by March next year this will (all being well) be over and done with. What I cannot imagine is being in chronic pain without an end in sight. God bless those people who suffer with constant chronic pain. I don’t know how they cope and survive.
In other baby news I had to explain what an umbilical cord was to the girls this week. We have already had the ‘how does baby get out?’ question, made easy by my cesarean scar (although it did take the girls a few days to get over the idea that the Dr will cut me! poor little loves!). I love that they are so interested and have great questions, but sometimes an answer is a little bit beyond me. Particularly when it came to the cutting of the cord and how a belly button is the result! Thank goodness hubby came home and fielded it beautifully. Although a few days later I overheard Miss 4-year-old telling Miss 3-year-old that after she was born she had a peg holding her belly together…
Things that are currently unwelcome in the house:
2) Jif and all other cleaning equipment (including the vacuum cleaner attachment that allows me to vacuum the ceiling)
3) Etsy and my credit card
4) Negativity (don’t come over here with that attitude!)
5) Anything to do with doping in cycling (hubby’s gasket is about to blow…!)
Things that are currently welcome in the house:
1) My latest Book Depository order
2) My daily ration of caffeine (one weak ‘real’ coffee)
4) Ice packs (don’t ask)
5) Angus and Julia Stone
6) Little girls who are convinced we are having a girl called Strawberry
7) The Sopranos (or maybe it should be in the ‘remove’ list? I am getting slightly obsessed…)
With a great deal of sensitivity and grace I will try to explain my friend’s position.
She is a wonderful mum. In fact, between her and my best mate, they have taught me the most about being a mum. She is honest, generous and kind. And she is an honest, generous and kind mum. She has three beautiful boys who are energetic and cheeky. She is healthy and has great support from her friends and family. Recently she chose to attempt a procedure which is designed to ensure a gender specific pregnancy. I was surprised. I was concerned, for her health and her family. And whether I agree or not is totally irrelevant.
This procedure is done off shore. She returned recently – pregnant. And I was happy for her.
Today, she lost that baby. I am heartbroken for her. Whether I (you) agree or not, it is heartbreaking. The drive in her for this baby was so great she sacrificed finances, reputation, time, energy, and potentially her health. And whether I (you) agree or not, a baby was conceived.
There was so much emphasis (not by her) on the peripheral’s of this pregnancy. But to her and to those closest to her it was all about the end result – a precious little life. Right now I couldn’t care less about the how or the why. And neither should anyone else.
All my love goes out to her and her family. There is not much else I can say.
I have thought and re-thought about writing and posting this. Mostly because it is such a specific thing and I never intended to have this blog to be so narrow. But this is the thing that is occupying most of my time and energy at the moment – and that is what most of this self-indulgent blog is about!!
So, yes, it’s a pregnancy thing – but don’t freak out, there is no graphic terminology or pictures to contend with. The thing is, this time round I have developed an unstable pelvis. Without going into too much detail about what that means (basically an inflammation of pelvic ligaments), in day-to-day life it outworks itself like this – I can’t walk. On a good day I can limp around and get the girls to kinder, do the shopping and the washing and get the basics done, but my day finishes on the couch with my feet up and surrounded by ice packs. On a bad day – I can’t do anything. I can’t stand for long periods, I can’t get in and out of the car, walking to and from the bathroom is agony and I spend a lot of time in tears. There is little you can do, apart from rest, to treat the condition. Ice packs help and my physio is a champion at helping me alter my movements to decrease any agitation to the ligaments. But until bub arrives, it’s a case of waiting it out. My Dr is talking about delivering baby a little earlier, because, as you can imagine, the bigger baby gets the worse the pain is (and we have big baby’s! 3.6kg and 4.4kg!). We will see what happens with that, I’m not going to be okay with baby coming any earlier than 38 weeks (I’m currently 31). It may require some serious negotiations with the Dr and the midwives!
All that being said, the most interesting thing about all of this is that I have somehow managed to completely separate our baby from the pregnancy. When the instability first began to show itself, one of my midwives’ talked to me about how some women struggle with resentment towards their baby’s because of the pain and damage being done to their bodies’ because they were pregnant. Which makes sense. But somehow I have totally separated the two off from each other. Of course I realise that I can’t have one without the other, but the pregnancy and all its complications has formed a completely different entity to our baby. Baby is growing and developing and doing all that baby needs to do, and it’s my body that is struggling with the changes going on. I have absolutely no sense of resentment or ill feeling towards baby. Which makes the whole thing easier to deal with. Praise God for that!
I have had to put some things in place to make life easier until the condition eases up. Much of my Christmas shopping has been done via Etsy, grocery shopping is done through Aussie Farmers Direct (who are amazing and worth checking out), cleaning is a thing of the past (particularly vacuuming!) and generally accepting that I just can’t do some things for a little while.
And, I had to go to the shops today get some things for my daughters kinder, and after a huge weekend at the UCI World Championships (details to come on that!!), I was really struggling, so I bought myself flowers – and this how I am going to get through the next 9 weeks – by being honest and buying flowers when I want them.